Why do you torture me so?

Sure, the freaks on your f'list love it when I CRAI MOAR, but do you really care about their unhealthy fetishes? More than you care about my mental health?!

Seeing myself depicted that way so often simply drives me to tears and I'm forced to huggle up to my Moonykins and weep on his shoulder :'( is intolerable.

*sniffle*

- You know who (as opposed to 'You Know Who')

but it gets you loads of comfort sex! don't be ungrateful.

-me

It used to, but ever since that nasty business with my second cousin, Remus simply doesn't find 'tear stained and snotty nosed' as attractive as he once did.

Actually, he's more than once tried to flee in the opposite direction if I start to wibble.

:'(

- Snuffles

poor baby. have you tried the "repressed manly single tear" approach, rather than the "open all floodgates" one? (it could take some practice, but i hear it works wonders for one dean winchester.) remus, being the embodiment of emotional repression himself, would probably react less adversely to that one.

I require your assistance in helping me spread the word about Potter. He is stupid and annoying, self righteous, has ugly glasses and an embarrassing fashion sense in general, and his hair looks like a nest. Also, he stinks. Therefore, all should shun him and leave him to me.

Draco

what's that? you need help? i mean, assistance? i thought you were doing a pretty good job by yourself, back during the triwizard tournament.

eyebrow-raisingly,

aoede

It is, obviously, more fitting to have minions do it for me.

D.M.

but finding good minions is so hard these days. they demand payment and benefits and special attention, and if you don't keep them satisfied enough with your leadership, they try to set you on fire.

you'd know.

-a.

Hmm. You may watch.

D

Hello!

I've been told that I've been too much of a hermit lately, which is laughable considering I'm something of the house guard dog (ha ha ha) so I've decided to expand my horizons and get new friends who won't badger me when I'm thoughtfully visiting the hippogriff living in my mother's bedroom.

Let's get to know each other, shall we? Let's see... I like motorbikes, flying and things that are funny. I do not like RATS. Or toast that isn't toasty. Or toast that is burnt. There's a certain art to toasting, you know. I don't trust the electric toasters, but Remus won't let me start a fire everytime I want toast, so there's a certain lack of it in my diet. The jellies in the cupboard are safe...for now.

So, you're called 'spacefragments'. A curious name! I'm Sirius, and I guess since we haven't met, you must be in a different part of the universe than I am. (HA HA) Sometimes I feel like everyone's in a different part of the universe than I am. It might be neat to be space fragments, because then you can be in several places at the same time and still know what the rest of you is doing - plus, you're in space and I always thought it'd be neat to go and fly around in space. Think of the Quidditch you could play in an arena like that!

Someone is banging on the door. You'd think they'd let me socialize in peace, but there's just no pleasing some people. I'm going to have to end this here, darling. Don't think badly of me. I also intend on telling them of our lucrative relationship over the separation of our fragmented spaces, just in case you are wondering. I hope that will come true, sometime.

Owl me! Got to go!

Sirius, your awesome new penpal

hello awesome new penpal!

some people just don't understand that some of us consider our private time very important.

i don't like burnt toast either. you have to scrape the burnt part off and it always leaves a mess. you should tell remus electric toasters are pretty trusty, unless you're an idiot like me and decide to jam a knife into it while it's on.

my fragments are spread all over the universe. uh -- did that sound dirty to you? anyway, what with the universe being infinite and all, i'm not surprised none of them have bumped into you! even with you being hard to miss. but now that we've found each other, we can commence with the socializing!

tell your friends to go easy on you.

spaceyfrags

Hello equally awesome space'n'frags,

I like you more and more - you have no respect for capitals! I'm afraid too many years under the observation of the proofreading!prefect has spoiled me. I can no longer disregard capitals (Secretly I fear he will burst into my room and fix me with a Stern Look like he used to and make me rewrite the letter again). So, go on! I will live vicariously through you in this matter.

Remus trusts toasters. I think they're secretly eating away at my tasty toasties when I'm sitting there waiting with my jelly. What happens when you jab a knife in there when it's on? Does it take your toast and never give it back? This is starting to feel like a learning experience... Or a horror story. D:

...well, it didn't sound dirty until now. I must be losing my touch in my old age. Merlin, if I start clutching my pearls and weeping at the sight of exposed ankles, please innuendo some sense back into me. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Remus is the only one left, so he's got to be the stern one and the fun one, these days. I don't think he ever expected that to happen - I certainly didn't. But I will tell him you said to be nice to me (and to let me make roaring fires in the foyer).

Sirius

Hello, spacefragments! I like your name, which is made up of probably two of my most favorite words in the English language: space (I mean, if you spend as much time in outer space as I do, I guess you might as well like it, yeah?) and fragments (which is what's left of people once I'm done with them).

Anyway, I've been reading the other letters these guys have sent you (you shouldn't leave them lying around like that) and I must say that I don't see what this Sirius dude's problem is all about. I for one would not mind to show my private moments with your happy admirers. Really. A guy gets lonely, you know. I'm sure Heero won't mind. Of course, he might go "I'll kill you" for a couple of days or so, but have you ever seen him kill anyone outside of his Gundam? I didn't think so.

So, what I do want to say is that, I want to see more of ME. Because, you know, I'm awesome and stuff.

The God of Death, Mr. Sex on Legs, etc.

P.S. Heero says to remind you that Relena is gay. Forget about that 'Princess for Peace' crap, Relena is having orgies with that all-female fanclub she had back in school.

P.S.S. This is pretty much a late letter, but I saw my name on your list, and who can resist?

D.M.